APOCALYPSE NOT!

Oh my God(zilla)! What a horrible day I've had!

The Apocalypse apparently happened today...and you are all dead.

Thankfully, human ghosts are directly connected to Japanese-made computers and the Internet, so we can still talk to each other online. But as the sole survivor of humanity (minus all the other lone survivors of humanity), it is my SkyNET given duty share my harrowing tale with you all!

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I was sleeping comfortably in my unattended hospital bed for 28 days, when suddenly I was awaken by a bunch of futuristic soldiers, claiming that 'Blue Bugs' were coming in to kill me. That or the new biological weapon dubbed 'Italian Flue' - really I can't remember which one again.

While we were escaping the hospital, located on the poorly lit district of 7th Street, we were suddenly ambushed by zombies, including the ones that can't run OR walk slowly.

The soldiers were then eaten by the zombies...and when I mean eaten, I actually mean they disappeared into thin air - another byproduct of New Zealand's damn Project Flashlight experiments. No clue if they've been disintegrated, or been teleported to one of the inhabitable moons of Saturn...or Purgatory, as I can never tell with those ambiguous endings.

So I'm power-walking for my life from the zombies, when equally as sudden, vampires showed up to challenge the zombies, to see who get's to eat the last human alive on Earth (me of course). But before their battle commenced, I notice some old guy sobbing over his broken pair of glasses outside the public library. And I said to the vampires and zombies alike "Why don't you eat that guy over there, for clearly I am not the last human to feast upon?!?".

The vampire leader said "What are you, insensitive? That guy broke his glasses and really doesn't need more stress from the likes of us!"

So the vampires and zombies began to fight over me, when suddenly some really poorly designed and equally constructed robots came walking by, and took electronic mind-control over all the zombies and vampires, for reasons that were never revealed to me.

Just than, a big old triceratops puppet came after me, forcing me to kill a man-sized bat creature in order to use its corpse to fly away to safety from prehistoric beast. Eventually, my 'dead bat glider' landed me right into a cave, owned by extreme survivalist Ray Milland, who mistakes me for a dope addict.

Ray Milland then proceeds to open fire on me with his riffle, while constantly apologizing for doing so all at the same time!

I eventually escape to safety, and while wondering the barren country roads, a giant super-truck of Military design pulled up besides me. The 'Super Truck' was being driven by a telepathic dog, who offered me a ride. I gladly accepted his offer, but have-way into our pleasant road trip, two British police detectives in a broken car attached to a hot air balloon, started giving us the business. And proceeded to bombard us with satire, wit, and sacrificial thirty-year-olds from above.

And you know they were thirty-year-olds, because the diamonds in their hands had expired to blinking red.

I decided to leave the telepathic dog to fend for himself against the British police officers, and made my way to desert, which was being patrolled by blood-sucking android knights!

Thankfully, the blood-sucking android knights were too busy to bother with me, as they were all in bloody combat against an alpha male dragon of gigantic size...because apparently dragons are alive again now.

I personally lay the blame on those fairy tale goblins armed with World War II weaponry.

Days later, while wandering the cursed Earth, a huge floating stone face appeared before me, and tried to convince me to wear an unappealing bright orange Speedo-like outfit.

I said "No", but the twisted stone face insisted that I should, especially since he ran out of guns to give to murderous people hours ago. Annoyed, I continued walking, but the damn perverted, if not pretentious, hovering stone face wouldn't leave me alone, who then tried to sell me DVD copies of "Tank Girl" in place of questionable orange underwear.

It was then that I realized that the giant hovering stone face was an artificial fake, piloted by non-other than comedic character actor Wallace Shawn. I was like "Why are you piloting a giant hovering stone face and trying to sell me orange underwear and "Tank Girl" discs"?

From which Wallace Shawn replied "Because I've got nothing better to do...that, and I think I MIGHT be the Anti-Christ...Again, the keyword being 'think'".

Sadly, our conversation was ended abruptly by the blue mutant giant known as Devil Reverse, who quickly rode in upon the back of a far larger Ohmu (sort of an evolved mega-worm creature). With the swipe of his mighty hand, Devil Reverse knocked down Wallace Shawn and his giant stone gift shop in the sky to the ground. It exploded upon contact, and littering the cursed landscape with flaming underwear and unwanted digital discs!

As the demonic giant rode away, he said to me in a loud, booming voice "Beware the tree pollen!". And as quickly as he arrived, Devil Reverse and his Ohmu steed disappeared over the horizon.

I still have no idea what "Beware the tree pollen" even means!

Anyway, after several years serving as a postman on horseback, I now live in the deserted city of New York, with Harry Belafonte and his lady friend Inger Stevens, who both have affectionately dubbed me 'The Greatest Third-Wheel In Human History'.

And every Sunday afternoon, we all drive down to our local box canyon, and mess around with the three-eyed mutants that inhabit the region.

Oh, and I forgot to mention that I was completely blind during this entire adventure.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!!