Thursday, July 9, 2020

Up Mill Creek: The Ape

In the suspect tradition of Fractured Flickers, Mad Movies, Mystery Science Theater 3000, Rifftrax, blah, blah, blah, comes the first episode of a new comedy-commentary series entitled UP MILL CREEK (WITHOUT A PADDLE), staring Brayton Conner, Andres Perez, and Raf Enshohma (hey, that's me).

In this inaugural pilot, the three jerks talk over the 1940 Boris Karloff vehicle THE APE with humorous results. Mockery aside, we're very happy with how this pilot turned out and I'm pleased to share that there's more episodes coming.



Here's the full uncut recording session for the episode complete with an unused pre-show segment based around the Gumby short Lion Around. Unlike the completed episode, this unlisted extra is something I'm less proud of but sharing it here for posterity sake (plus future blackmail).



Sunday, July 5, 2020

Zelmkethou, The Living Threshold

Time for old kooky Enshohma to once again share his original creations with you.


Zelmkethou, The Living Threshold

NAME: Zelmkethou (pronounced Zelm-Keth-Thoo)
SUBTITLE: The Living Threshold
ALTERNATE NAMES: The Abyssal God; Great Zelmkethou
SPECIES: Extradimensional

GENDER: Nonsexual (completely lacking any form of gender in a true evolutionary sense - extremely difficult for most humans to comprehend)

LENGTH: 299 meters (roughly 980 feet)
WEIGHT: 100,000 metric tons (estimated)
EYES: None

Zelmkethou is a gigantic sea dwelling monster who originated beyond our known universe and possesses a unique feature to its biology: housed within its orb-shaped shell lies a fully stable dimensional wormhole that reacts to the willing mental desires of anyone who enters it, hence making Zelmkethou a living gateway to anywhere within The Whole of Existence that anyone can wish to be transported to.

While this sounds like a living miracle, there are several key issues with this gateway, the first being that it's on the back of a giant monster and one that's particularly hostile towards anything outside of itself. Many attempts to reach Zelmkethou's shell via spaceship, submarine, and massive-sized robot have almost all but failed.

Secondly, smaller scale attempts such as single individuals simply swimming up to the beast is as dangerous for Zelmkethou is ignorant if not unresponsive to anything too small for its notice and thus many have been accidentally killed by beast during such attempts.

Thirdly, The Zelmkethou Gateway, the orb-like shell itself, is a one-way trip as those who have made it to the portal have never returned. This is simply the nature of The Zelmkethou Gateway much like how most time travel methods are highly limited to one temporal direction. There have been evidence confirming the lucky few have survived after entering the dimensional orb but this has still led to widespread conspiracies across the universe theorizing that there is no portal and Zelmkethough is simply using a giant deception to lure in smaller-sized prey - The Zelmkethou Gateway being nothing more than a illusion-sporting digestive organ.

Finally, the fourth reason why it's nearly impossible to reach The Zelmkethou Gateway... No one agrees what planet the great monster resides upon or within. It's fully agreed that Zelmkethou lives in a water-heavy environment to support its great weight but the exact identity of said world's been lost over time.

The gorgeous water world of Jumo-Umo, the dying oily seas of Ranagader Ex-Prime, the vapory gas giant of Vinhea, the weather chaotic world of Barley Open, the silver seas of Dahmeia Third, the water-ammonia oceans of Neptune, and the briny seas of Earth, all have been believed in being the home-world of Zelmkethou but no positive identification been made on the matter.

The Great Zelmkethou is a living miracle, a colossal hazard, and a frustrating mystery all wrapped up into one gigantic monstrous package.

ENSHOHMA'S COMMENTS:

Despite my love for the works of cosmic horror author H.P. Lovecraft and his various contemporaries, I have an admittedly tertiary knowledge of The Cthuhlu Mythos as a whole. Because of this, Zelmkethou is something of a repurposed blunder since its design started out as my misinformed (and misnamed) rendition on the titular monster from The Dweller in The Gulf, a 1932 short story written by Clark Ashton Smith.


I didn't even get The Dweller In The Gulf's name right!

Also known as The Eidolon of the Blind, The Dweller is is an ancient, possibly immortal subterranean creature that dwells deep within the planet Aihai (known to us humans as Mars). It is served and worshiped by a cult of Martians who have been captured and blinded by the beast as its equipped with two proboscises for the extraction of eyes (how charming, Clark).

While The Dweller in the Gulf resembled a tortoise, albeit one of gargantuan proportions, its more alien or at least chimeric in overall form and, despite its connections to The Cthuhlu Mythos, is a relatively tangible animal instead of the reality warping cosmic entity I had originally imagined based on a scantly read character description.

When I returned to revisit this design and compared it to its source inspiration, I realized it wouldn't work as an adaptation of The Dweller in The Gulf and revised it as my own loosely inspired creature, hence Zelmkethou The Living Threshold.

My friend Jesse Alonso helped with the monster's name which is a play on the Czech phrase for globe, zeměkoule.

RELATED LINKS:

The Dweller in the Gulf at Monster Wiki:

https://monster.fandom.com/wiki/Dweller_in_the_Gulf

The Dweller in the Gulf at H.P. Lovecraft Wiki:

https://lovecraft.fandom.com/wiki/Dweller_in_the_Gulf

Monday, June 15, 2020

The Giant Tortoise Against The Rocket Car!


Because I have no life, I often wander the web and stumble upon obscure giant monsters through Japanese-based blogs and twitter accounts. Again, I'm a lifeless nerd.

During one such time-wasting exodus, I found Tsutomu Blog: a nifty site dedicated to Japanese toys and model sets from yesteryear, particular ones involving giant monsters.

Unfortunately, Tsutomu Blog has been permanently discontinued and I plan to share as many salvaged images I had grabbed before it's shutdown starting with this spiky oddity.

Box art for "Rocket Car Against Gamess"


The toy is roughly called "Rocket Car Against Gamess" with the titular monster being a giant tortoise as Gamess (ガメス, or the English alternative 'Games') is a play on the Japanese word for turtle, kame.

Titanollante, one of the web-masters of Wikizilla, helped me with the description apparently offered by the box art though he noted that the following its a rough translation:

Inhabiting the deep waters of the Mariana Trench, its energy source is a kind of heavy liquid that flows out from the seams of the seabed strata, one supply powering it for 450 days.  Its personality is "ferocious". Spraying viscous body fluids from its mouth, Gamess will eat anything.

Turtle-based monsters have always been a personal favorite kaiju motif and Gamess is another fine addition to that shelled legacy. However, like many obscure giant monsters, Gamess' name is terribly vague in the English sense and hence I could track down ANY information online to confirm the release date for this set (
I'll add updated notations if I come across them later).



I also love the concept that you get a smaller but no less powerful super vehicle to combat against / play along with the larger monster figure, but the option to fit the car in its mouth doesn't come off too well in my opinion - I know Gamess will eat anything but that's still an unintentionally off-putting visual.

"I can't believe I regurgitated the whole thing!"

Once more, massive thanks to Titanollante of Wikizilla for the translations and a grateful salute to the late great Tsutomu Blog.


Monday, June 1, 2020

Buuu, The Telepathic Terror of Tiny Town

Buuu, an original character from yours truly

NAME: Buuu (pronounced 'Boo')

ALSO KNOWN AS: The Boyish Wonder; The Gray Guardian; The Telepathic Terror of Tiny Town

AGE: 19 (145 in Earth years)
SPECIES: Zetaculian (extraterrestrial)
GENDER: Female
BIRTHPLACE: Zeta-5500 (massive space colony)
HEIGHT: 2 ft, 5 inches
WEIGHT: Variable
EYES: Marble black with bright blue pupils
HAIR: Non... Like at all
SKIN: Purplish gray
KNOWN RELATIVES: Dood (father)

LIKES: Jake Tanaka, breakfast, animals, upbeat music, good friends, happy people, sunny days, slapstick comedies, telepathic flight, barbecues, horse riding, the great outdoors, wood carvings, camping, county fairs, barn raising, Jake's marijuana cookies, empathy, hiking, Baltimore, and benevolent clowns.

DISLIKES: Jack Hogson, urban decay, cloudy days, politicians, cages, insincere superheroes, government agents, Areas 51-56, inter-dimensional police officers, chocolate, Z-Men, bullies in general, mentally projected walls, shopping for clothes, apathy, hive minds, and evil clowns.


Fan art of Buuu by my friend Earth-Baragon

Buuu is a small telepathic alien of the Zetaculian variety who flies and floats around through her telekinetic abilities. Buuu is the fifth joining member of the struggling California-based super-villain organization G.L.U.E. though she didn't start out nefariously:

During her teenage years in Intergalactic Community Collage, Buuu stumbled upon an illegally imported copy of Action Comics #1 and, inspired by the tales of heroism found within, soon dropped out of her studies and headed for Earth in 1948 to become a superhero much to her father Dood's disapproval.

Unfortunately, her career as a superhero was far from ideal, starting out as a sidekick to the corporate-mascot-turned-crime-fighter Waffleman (secretly Bruce Mansly, the CEO of Mansly Bakery Goods Incorporated) and later, long after cutting ties with Waffleman, tried the hero game solo as The Gray Guardian of whom her current outfit was originally tailored made for though it was a single bright gray color back then.

Being a space alien, however, kept Buuu from enjoying any long-term success as an independent heroine as the governments of the world showed great contempt for all benevolent extraterrestrials - all this while truly malevolent otherworldly beings were treated far better, both out of hypocritical fear and for selfish ulterior motives on the humans' parts.


Buuu The Boyish Wonder, sidekick to Waffleman

In 1978, Buuu retired as a private citizen and moved to upstate California where she purchased some farm land and a woodland cabin. She quickly came to love the country life, making many local human friends along the way. Life was peaceful until 1986 when Buuu ran afoul of the newly formed super-villain organization known as The Global Lords United Endeavor, or simply G.L.U.E. for short.

G.L.U.E.'s founding leaders, The Head Representative and Queen Noleena The Oversexed, tried to illegally buyout California's government before Buuu put an end to their operation... Only to then have her heroic actions met with hostility as xenophobic US authorities arrested her right after, banishing Buuu to a military prison for five long months before breaking herself out via embarrassing means that are best not mentioned here.

With her superhero career seemingly in ruins, an abashed Buuu had no other choice but to become a super-villain and with the only evil society equally desperate enough to hire her also being the same one she had recently vanquished: G.L.U.E.

It wasn’t an ideal working relationship at first, especially with the more nefarious G.L.U.E. members constantly keeping a watchful murderous eye on her, but Buuu eventually proved herself by helping G.L.U.E. win many small victories against the clandestine governmental forces, often the same ones that caused Buuu to join the proverbial dark side in the first place.

What truly took the tiny alien aback during her first few months in G.L.U.E., however, was just how amazingly inept her partners-in-crime were, constantly endangering themselves when left to their own devices, vices, and corresponding stupidity.

Because of this, the G.L.U.E. members came to value Buuu’s positive presence serving as the group’s quasi-conscience, which has kept them from going overboard in their self-destructive villainy...At least most of the time as some of their own madness has long since rubbed off on poor Buuu.


From left-to-right: Slimeball, Buuu, and Jack Hogson

ADDITIONAL FACTS ABOUT BUUU:

*Buuu has a romantic longing and sexual lusting for her fellow G.L.U.E. teammate Jake ‘Orange Coat’ Tanaka, whose good mental vibes and handsome human looks makes him irresistible to the diminutive alien. Despite caring for her as a friend and coworker, Jake, unfortunately, finds Buuu disturbing looking and compares a possible relationship with her to  ‘trying to do it with a baby sea-lion or a spooky-looking Muppet’.

*Buuu’s actually quite adorable in an unnerving thin-bodied sort of way but she's also too self-conscious about her appearance when around regular Earthlings and is almost always seen wearing her large hat and cloak to hide said body. Another reason Buuu dons this get-up is because the limited alternatives are the baby and per-school children's wear sections at clothing stores - something she deeply loathes shopping for.

*Buuu's large hat holds an ember-like head jewel that heightens her Mind Bullets: a laser-like  percussion ability that's Buuu's main form of attack.

*While on Earth, Buuu has lived among friendly and good nature country folks that her extraterrestrial people would usually prey upon for suspicious scientific reasons. Because of which, Buuu considers herself a country girl at heart, living in a comfortable cabin in the woods far beyond city limits. This trait also explains Buuu’s love for westerns, farms, pony rides, county fairs, and pie-eating competitions.


Buuu at a county fair pie eating contest

*Buuu has come to befriend and form strong bonds with most of the members of G.L.U.E. with the two major exceptions being Jack Hogson, the violent and childish scientific officer, and Johnny Laser-Fin, the treasurer and sleazy cyborg business person, both of whom she openly states of being total jerks that radiate bad mental vibes all the time. Needless to say, hilarity ensues when Buuu is forcefully paired up with either of them if not both.

ENSHOHMA'S COMMENTS ON BUUU:


Well, DeviantART done gone and funk itself all sorts of messed up!

The art sharing web-site that I had once called home, my main online port of call, was bought out by the web-design company Wix and, like all new owners taking over established businesses, had to give everything their own face lift / urine soaked marking.

While I have seen far worse online, DeviantART's new design and interface still sucks, turning a once simple straight line of user friendliness into a vague maze of time-sucking confusion. I still plan to keep my DeviantART account but will also be using my other online outlets as coherent alternatives when sharing my artwork and original characters, with little Buuu here being the first of many.

I have a lot to say about Buuu's creation BUT I will save most of my thoughts for later this month through a second article and a series videos that also features little Buuu.

I will note, however, that Buuu’s based off the famous Grays of modern extraterrestrial lore though her pointy ears and a yellow-colored carapace covering her cranium (all hidden by her hat) was from older movie alien influences like “This Island Earth” and "Invasion of The Saucer Men".

Excerpt from Reader's Digest Mysteries of the Unexplained (1985)



Monday, May 25, 2020

Giant Monster Videos for May 25th 2020

Once again, here's some giant monster-related videos for your viewing interest especially in this time of forced isolation.

Omniviewer explores themes of the Monsterverse, namely the relationship between humans and the monsters and when they should stand back and let nature take its course or aid in the struggle to restore the balance.


Up from the Depths discusses what makes Mothra the Queen of the Monsters besides all the online shipping between her and Godzilla of course.


While not fully accurate and prone to crude gags, Corrupt Nostalgia discusses the nearly complete history of unmade Godzilla movies; be prepared for a lot of Kevin Bacon, huh, I mean Bagan.


The Library of Monsters reopens with part one of a duology of Monster Retrospectives, first up with The Mummy Man from Ultraman!


AlexTheHunted reviews Invasion of Astro-Monster (1965)



While Blue Oyster Cult's ON TOUR FOREVER is temporarily on hold, they took a short break from working on their next album to record this from everyone's home studio. Guess which song it was?


Retro Nerd Girl reviews the movie Fantastic Planet (1973), starring Barry Bostwick, Jennifer Drake, Eric Baugin and directed by René Laloux.


Forget Kronos and Cthulhu! Why isn't Typhon a more popular super ancient giant monster dark lord?!? You'll see why after checking out this brief essay from Overly Sarcastic Productions.


Sunday, May 10, 2020

Two Schmucks Watch THE GREEN SLIME!!!

Here's a humorous video featuring me and BranzantFiLMS' live viewing / audio commentary of the 1968 American-Japanese co-production The Green Slime, staring a whole lot of B-list white people and a whole lot of green-colored monster suits operated by Japanese child extras (not all but most of them are).

The audio commentary here is unlisted hence why I'm sharing it through my blog here:


For a second opinion, here's Brandon Tenold's 20-minute-long review of the exact same film:


Friday, March 27, 2020

The King Kong Kongmmentary

From Saturday Night Live's The Lost Deep Thoughts.

Earlier this month, me along with friends BranzantFiLMS, Wyn the Rogue, and KaijuNoir sat down an watched the original 1933 King Kong, live-streaming the audio as we shared general thoughts about the film that eventually devolve into humorous riffing - I hope this is a case of true love mixed within the performance satire and not just four jokers making with the joke-jokes because the film is an aging old ape but that's just me.

Because the original live-stream ended up being way longer than I had wanted it (just shy 8 minutes of Peter Jackson's 2005 film, On The Damn Boat), I've decided to edit together this slim down edition, isolating the main commentary by itself with corresponding images and gags. Enjoy!